Deafening Silence

There is probably nothing in the world more uncomfortable than a silence, a time of sitting and pondering. Being left along to think, which more often than not is why we feel uncomfortable, we don't like to think, we like to have distractions and noises everywhere because we don't want to listen. But you may ask, " What is there to listen to if it is silent??" That's exactly the point, silence is what forces focus, to lean your ear closer to listen for the smallest whisper, or the more deafening SILENCE. Think about it, how often do you sit in silence? I know I don't very often because of the uncomfortable feeling of being held accountable, even though I am constantly held accountable to my Heavenly Father, the silence forces me to be all the more aware of His presence. That, I think, is why most Christians do not like silence, we fear punishment, discipline, or maybe nothing less than positive blessings, but we refuse to think of them as such because the silent waiting it took to get them was so painful, we forget to rejoice in our silent sufferings. We ( I am definitely speaking to myself here) need to come to a place with silence with the Lord, we need to stop and listen. Sometimes, more often than not the Lord will not answer audibly so we are forced to dig deep down and search our hearts for where the Lord is leading.

In the last month I have come to a place of silence in my life, and let me tell you it is not by choice. I am slowly learning that I need to rely on the Lord to speak to me before I begin to rely on anyone else. I shouldn't rely on anyone else. IT has not been easy and I do not think it will be either, but I believe until I learn to be silent with the Lord he will surround me with silence. Until I can learn to just lean on him and trust him for everything, he will keep the one voice I desire to hear silenced.

Matthew 15:23 " The Lord did not answer a word"

Facemelt... A place to take all of your time

So this week, no these past two weeks have come to be known as the "valley" in my life, for this moment at least. As I sit back and look at the things that have happened or are going to happen in the future I truly have been starting to realize where my focus should really lie. Not on worrying about someone, not on wanting to get a "clean slate," not even on FACEBOOK... Oh I know, its blasphemy to speak against such a "great" thing as Facebook, but in reality it has become like an idol in my life. Time I usually spend in the word, slowly but surely turned into time sucked into that "social networking" site. I was really convicted on Wednesday night at Bible study about how much things can affect people and take their focus off of God and onto something as silly as oatmeal or as fanatical as sports. Then I realized, what on earth do I have to do on facebook for hours that is so terribly important to my life, or most importantly my relationship with Jesus?!?! The answer, facebook has NOTHING to offer me. ( No I am not bashing facebook, it truly is a great thing, but when it controls your time it can be detrimental) So I have decided to take a personal hiatus from facebook, to in essence discipline myself to rely on the Lord for my social networking, so to speak. He will fill the voids that I face, and he can make me whole. I am excited about the time I will be spending with the Lord and the time I have already spent with him since Wednesday. It is amazing to me how much of a difference cutting out one little thing from your life can bring you so close to your create. Its awesome! My challenge is to evaluate your life and walk, and if there is something that you think you just cannot make it a day without, go without it, it will either break you or draw you closer, its all about the discipline. :) It has done me good so far, I hope it does for you too.

I john 2: 15-17 "Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world— the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever."

I don't doubt my love or anyone else's love for the Lord, but we all just need to refocus and redirect it to whom its really due to!

D-Day or in this case H-Day

So after about a week of waiting, one of my close friends got the go ahead to ship out for Haiti to help with the devastation that occurred due to the catastrophic earthquake. Its been quite some time since I have blogged and I figure what the Lord has been teaching me through this is reason enough to blog! As a very unemotional person, given the right circumstances I can get hysterical, but usually over things like, death or simply horrible things that have happened in the past, but never over someone leaving. On Wednesday morning, January 13, 2010 and 9:11a.m. I received a text that merely said, "My unit is getting deployed, I may or may not go, Please pray I do." Well I did what anyone would do, replied back saying that I was praying, but no sooner that I had sent that text had I completely lost it, the girl who doesn't cry, sobbed at the mere sight of ACU's from a dismissing ROTC class at the college that I attend. It was intense, but after steady prayer, talking with people close to me, and finally a text that gave a little more information, I was okay, or for the moment at least I would be. The point of all this being, I have been praying for patience in this area of my life, for God's guiding hand, and His perfect timing. I always end up getting in a rush about life, and want to make hasty, flesh-directed, dumb decisions. So since I have been in the situation that I am in that is my daily prayer, and all I can say is that you need to be cautious what you pray for. Things in every aspect of this situation are constantly being confirmed in one way or another, even the trip that is occurring... And even as we speak God is continuing to answer prayer because at this very moment, he got pulled. He is upset, but the Lord has bigger plans for him, I don't know what they are and neither does he, but it is up to Him who is greater to guide and direct every single step we take! I don't know what to make of this season of my life, or how God can use hysterics to His glory, but seeing as how the hysterics could only be calmed by the Lord and prayer I know understand.

James 1:2-4 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
If any of you lacks wisdom,let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

It is just amazing to me how quickly the Lord answers prayers. As I was writing this I was praying for safety, and above all for the Lord's will to be done in the situation. If that meant him leaving for Haiti for up to 7 months or for him being held back, trained and sent to Afghanistan that much sooner. Now, for me, being the impatient person that I am, I want him here, now, but that is not always what God desires, in fact there is so much more to what God desires for us. I believe that we will never fully understand the facets of his love, He knows just how to deal with each and every hurt, laugh, situation, trial, he KNOWS how to break us down and lift us up. In the end its all for His glory. Its up to us to be like Job and trust and pray through it all, or to deny and betray him like Peter and Judas. It is up to us to draw near to Him and have a little bit of an easier road. His is going to use us for his Glory regardless of what we do, why not just try and make it easier and just listen to that still small voice when you first hear it. haha and it is so funny that I write this blog this morning, but now I just received another text... He's going again! haha You gotta love the Army :) The Lord has his hand on all of this!

Bird Brained??

So, as I was reading through Matthew tonight I kept running across scripture that had to do with anxiousness, but also how much He, as in our Heavenly Father, looks out for us and has His mind on us always! How many times do I over think something? Read into something? Get the completely wrong idea of something or someone? Don't trust His plan? Refuse to be patient and do things my way instead? How many times do I act out of anxiousness and worry rather than just stopping and praying?? Maybe, no I NEED to just stop and be bird brained for a minute. Stop thinking so much and just trust. Think about it, just this once, birds fly and eat, the Lord provides for their every need and desire, they are obedient and merely live and the GLORIFY the Lord most high... I mean seriously if I would just stop mindlessly thinking for once, maybe I would allow myself to be taken care of by my heavenly father... I admit it, I am a natural worrier, over analyzer, over thinker, you name it, that's my problem. I am so worried about controlling my own life that I feel I am becoming like Jonah, eventually God is gonna have something spit me out in Ninevah an it may have been more rewarding if I had just listened and trusted in the first place. So as I was reading through Matthew I came across many verses that definitely were a big encouragement:

1.) Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its troubles.
-Wow! what an eye opener, even though I have repeatedly heard this verse in my life, I was really shown something deeper this time. I just need to live in the day the Lord has given me, no this doesn't mean I need to be lazy and just do whatever, I still need to do what He desires of me, but I do need to live in the present. Just work with what I have at this very moment. I need to stop worrying about when I will be in a relationship. Quit worrying about how I will be able to do school and work. The Lord will not give me more than I can handle. He alone will guide and protect me all the way through.

2.) Matthew 10:19-20 "When they deliver you over, do not be anxious how you are to speak or what you are to say, for what you are to say will be given to you in that hour. For it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you."
-Yet another amazing bit of encouragement. In my faith especially I become fearful of being bold and sharing my faith and ultimately being persecuted for it. What will I say when someone confronts me? What will I say to someone when I don't know the answer? Fears of inadequacy have plagued me and stopped me from seizing opportunities I knew the Lord had given me. This verse gives comfort to me, to learn and practice boldness in sharing my faith. I don't need to be anxious for He will give me the exact words I need to say in the exact year, month, day, hour, and second that I need to say them. God is so good!

3.) Matthew 10:30-31 "But even the hairs on your head are ALL numbered. Fear not, therefore, you are of more value than many sparrows."
-This goes back to the whole being bird brained idea, all birds do is live, and them living glorifies God. And we are MORE valuable than something who solely lives to glorify God. So agree with me to try to be more bird brained!


How amazing is our God, he formed us in our mothers womb, he knows everything about us, the hairs on our head, the thoughts and deepest desires of our hearts!!! So amazing to be loved by someone who truly only wants the best for us, otherwise he wouldn't have sent his son to die so that we could live! So, even though I am wired to over think, I am going to rewire and think less, be a bit "bird brained" for the sake of Glorifying my Lord. Its okay to have a small brain once in a while!

The Uncertain Crash of Reality

Sometimes life just feels as though it is all going where it needs to, things just seem....Well, too good to be true. And often times when it feels that way, the crash is too close to contain. I have been deeply prayerful, thoughtful, and certainly attached to the idea of finding that something that's been missing in my life, or I thought that that something or someone had found me. As it is still too soon to tell, hopes are seeming to diminish, no feelings are definitely the same, but the situations complications are becoming more present and prevalent. Why can life not just be a fairy tale? Well the simple answer to that is, if it were no one would learn to truly rely on the Lord through the storms and trials in their life. I am clinging to the JOY that the Lord will bring me when the storm has subsided:

James1:2 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position. But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away even while he goes about his business.
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him""

WOW:) That is just such an encouragement to me at this very moment in my life. Where the reality that is facing me is most definitely uncertain. There may be a crash, but there also may be a happy ending. It is up to the Lord and how he wants to use me in this area and time of my life. I want to grow closer to him, closer to the one who saved me and has freed me from the burdens that face me! I want to face the trails and also know that, even when I think that I can't handle what is going on, and when I feel like I am about to just crumble beneath the frustration, pain, hurt, etc; he is there to carry me through.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I have to be patient and bear with those around me no matter how difficult it may be, this life was not made to be easy, but made to grow us together in strength and love. To hold each other up and help one another along in difficult times.

Ephesians 4:2 "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love"

I am learning to just keep my eye on the prize, Jesus, and keep my focus on him. He is testing me and I hope that I am doing all that I am supposed to, it is not easy, but he doesn't want it to be. He wants me to cling first to him above all else, BEFORE he provides something or someone else that I cling to for protection and love. So as I wait for the uncertain crash of reality to set in, I keep my eyes on the Lord and know he will lead me through with Joy in my heart and love abounding. But first I must ABIDE!

Waiting for Rain in a drought....

Ever since I was little I have always dreamed, and I mean DREAMED! Every little girl dreams of getting married to Prince Charming, fairy tale life, etc.... Well through this life I have come to realize that life sure isn't a fairy tale, but on the contrary it is a wild exciting road with bumps and potholes galore. I have been prayerful at times, while other times I could care less what God thought and made stupid decisions and didn't care how they affected my life. BIG MISTAKE, but thankfully I serve a forgiving and merciful God, who doesn't throw it in my face but merely throws it away. I would like to think that in the past year I have grown tremendously spiritually and mentally. Mostly through mistakes I have made and how they not only have affected me, but those around me who I love and care for the most. In recent months I have decided to stop worrying about people, and even more specifically relationships, they only get me into trouble it seems. It is in the past couple of months that I have truly learned to cling to the Lord as my father, protector, provider, friend in loneliness, so on and so forth. He has become everything. Now I always thought that people who stopped looking for these things and got them were just making it up, but no sir, they were SERIOUS! Who knew. When I learned to be lost in Jesus, it seems that he may have sent someone to find me, I wasn't looking, not even thinking about looking but I feel and have faith as though God might be saying its your turn now, you are ready. This to me is terrifying! I have no idea what to do or how to feel.... I just keep praying that his will be done in my life and the lives of those who I care about. I pray that He is the one, but at the same time, I pray it takes some time. I still have a lot of growing up to do, I dream of embodying Proverbs 31, but I am sooooo far from it. I want to be the best sister, daughter, girlfriend, fiance, and wife that I can be. I want to love and be loved for who I am regardless of the mistakes that I have made in the past, I want to be the best woman I can be to the man God gives me to. I feel like my praying is finally paying off but at the same time, if things work out, this will probably be the most difficult relationship that I ever will experience, but at the same time I hope it is the last. I am ready and willing, but is God ready and willing to use me now? I don't know, all I can do is continue to pray. Something feels different, feels right, but is it me thinking that it feels this way because I have desired it for so long, or is it God saying, "okay, its your turn, go for it!" Ha waiting for who God has for me is kind of like waiting for rain in a drought. You keep looking up to the heavens saying, "any day now would be great"